10 days out...

I can't believe the surgery is only 10 days away. This realization has brought on a whelm of emotions the past couple of days, and I find myself thinking/analyzing/rationalizing every aspect of the surgery every spare moment I have. I find myself giddy with excitement one moment, thinking of the "little black dress" I may someday be able to wear to a fancy dinner with my husband, and then a moment later, I find myself terrified that one of my favorite things in the world, FOOD, is not going to be one of my best friends anymore! Yeah, I know that sounds a little twisted, but I know I am not the only person in the this world with an abnormal love for food! In fact, I share my love of food with those I am closest to.

I think of all the challenges, big and little, that I have met and overcome in my life and I know deep down that I do have what it takes to do this. I know it's going to be hard, and I am not saying I won't ever slip-up, but the point is that I have full confidence in myself that I CAN do this! I think the biggest question that is lurking is...Is this the right decision? And the worst part is, no one can answer that but me, and I know that. I find it hard to imagine that I could ever look back on this as a mistake...but the fact remains that it is a permanent and irreversible procedure. They are cutting out 75% of my stomach and throwing it out! Forever! Gone! Will I mourn the loss of my stomach? Will I wish I could have it back when its too late? Or will I forever be grateful that this physical limitation has finally allowed me to become the person I know I am inside? I certainly hope it's the latter.

So in the words of Oprah, Here are THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE...

-I am not happy at my current weight and have not been happy with my weight in a VERY long time.

-My dissatisfaction with myself and my weight has started to affect my quality of life- physically and emotionally.

-Although I have not had success losing weight and keeping it off--I have perservered and succeeded in a number of challenging things in my life (recovering from back surgery and returning to the basketball court when I was told I would never play again; graduating from one the most difficult nursing programs in the state; completing my BSN). So I know I have the emotional strength to do this, somewhere deep down inside!

-The woman in the mirror is truly not the woman I feel I am. I know there is a skinny Jessica inside and she's screaming to get out! This is never how I imagined myself to be and I refuse to continue living this life that truly is not me.

-If it weren't for my amazingly loving and supportive husband (who has loved me unconditionally for 11 years with absolutely no regard to my weight) and the love and support of the rest of my family and friends, this surgery would not be an option. Thanks to all of you.

-I don't want Ayden to ever experience the pain and struggle of being an obese person. I want to make this lifestyle change while he is young and be able to set healthy examples for him to give him the best possible chance at growing up and maintaining a normal and healthy weight.

-Last, but not least, I am scared. I could go on with this list with a 100 more reasons that I need and want to lose weight and why this surgery seems to be a very valid option for me, but that doesn't change the fact that's it's surgery. It has it's risks, it's going to be painful, and let's not forget- irreversible!!!

I have a lot to think and pray about. I want to be as fully prepared as I can be for this. I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday and I'll keep everyone updated.