Finally on the other side!

Well it's day 4 post-op and I am SO happy to be well on my way on the OTHER side of surgery! I really meant to post sooner than this, but it's been a little bit of a rough ride, rougher than I had expected for sure! So here is a little summary of my journey so far:

Tuesday morning Chris and I left home extra early and drove over ice to get to the hospital by 7 AM. My surgery was scheduled for 9:30, but the doctor was ahead of schedule believe it or not, and they took me back to the OR about 8:45. I was so nervous, I was literally shaking as they wheeled me into the OR, it was surreal. They put a mask over my face, told me to take a few deep breaths, and the next thing I remember was waking up to a lot of pain! I won't go into too much details with that, so as not to discourage anyone considering weight-loss surgery, but in one word, ouch. The rest of Tuesday was a bit of a blur, I was coming out of anesthesia and on a Morphine pain pump. By late evening, I was walking in the hallways. I was completely NPO (nothing by mouth) for the first 24 hours, and that was really miserable. My mouth was so dry I thought I would die! I wiped my mouth out with washcloths and lemon swabs and rinsed and spit water but it still sucked! Wednesday morning, I went downstairs for a barium swallow study to make sure my new stomach did not have a leak. That was awful. I got nauseated, and threw up on my blanket on the wheelchair ride back to my room. But the bright side was that there was no leak, so around 11:30 that morning I got my catheter out and was presented with a 1 oz cup of water. They told me to slowly sip it over one hour, which I thought would be impossible because I was so thirsty, but the first little sip proved to be painful. My new stomach is SMALL! So small that right now if I take too big of a drink of water, it hurts. Basically all day Wednesday my main jobs were to walk, deep breathe and cough, sip water and protein drinks, and try to pee. By Thursday I was doing well at all those things and was discharged home at noon!

Everyday I feel a little better and am taking less and less pain medicine. The pain was the worst the first 2 days and since then has been mostly soreness and gas pain. I actually feel great and have had lots more energy today. I have lost 10 pounds since checking into the hospital Tuesday morning and although I have a long way to go, that feels AWESOME!

I am overall very pleased with my decision so far but it hasn't been without some pain and right now the biggest challenge is being on an all-liquid diet while everyone around me continues with normal eating and drinking. I went to a baby shower and was surrounded by tons of food and people eating food, and I sipped on water. This may be the hardest part so far! I obviously loved food and I am mourning the loss of it. I haven't had solid food since Sunday, almost 7 days, and the psyhcological aspect of that is greater than I had ever expected. I don't really feel hungry, and I know that if I were to eat right now it would be painful, make me sick, and possibly rupture my stomach and cause major complications or even death, so there is no way I would do it, but it doesn't mean I don't miss food! Right now I am at my parents' house, and everyone is cooking a big meal and getting ready to eat (one of our favorite things to do as a family) and I am blogging as a way to keep myself occupied and not think about it! Tommorow everyone is going to a superbowl party that is being catered with barbeque, and I am not planning to go at all, that would be just too hard. I don't even like football all that much, the best part of superbowl parties is food! So anyway, this is super hard right now, but I keep telling myself that I am only on all-liquids for 2 weeks and I have the rest of my life to eat and that this surgery is still going to allow me to eat, but just in very small amounts. And the results? Being a normal-weight, slender woman!!! I CAN DO THIS!!

Pre-op day!

Today was a big day! I met with the surgeon, Dr. Roller, who was extremely nice and informative. He went over every aspect of the surgery with me and 2 other patients who are also having surgery next week. We then all met with the dietician for our pre and post op diet instructions (liquid protein shakes are going to be my new best friend, whether I like it or not!). Next I met with the pre-op nurse for a pre-op evaluation and then finally I had more lab work drawn for the big day. I signed my consent for surgery, paid the $16,000 (or rather, financed it for the next 7 years!) and I am all ready to go! I am scheduled for surgery at 9:30 AM next Tuesday the 27th! I AM READY!

10 days out...

I can't believe the surgery is only 10 days away. This realization has brought on a whelm of emotions the past couple of days, and I find myself thinking/analyzing/rationalizing every aspect of the surgery every spare moment I have. I find myself giddy with excitement one moment, thinking of the "little black dress" I may someday be able to wear to a fancy dinner with my husband, and then a moment later, I find myself terrified that one of my favorite things in the world, FOOD, is not going to be one of my best friends anymore! Yeah, I know that sounds a little twisted, but I know I am not the only person in the this world with an abnormal love for food! In fact, I share my love of food with those I am closest to.

I think of all the challenges, big and little, that I have met and overcome in my life and I know deep down that I do have what it takes to do this. I know it's going to be hard, and I am not saying I won't ever slip-up, but the point is that I have full confidence in myself that I CAN do this! I think the biggest question that is lurking is...Is this the right decision? And the worst part is, no one can answer that but me, and I know that. I find it hard to imagine that I could ever look back on this as a mistake...but the fact remains that it is a permanent and irreversible procedure. They are cutting out 75% of my stomach and throwing it out! Forever! Gone! Will I mourn the loss of my stomach? Will I wish I could have it back when its too late? Or will I forever be grateful that this physical limitation has finally allowed me to become the person I know I am inside? I certainly hope it's the latter.

So in the words of Oprah, Here are THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE...

-I am not happy at my current weight and have not been happy with my weight in a VERY long time.

-My dissatisfaction with myself and my weight has started to affect my quality of life- physically and emotionally.

-Although I have not had success losing weight and keeping it off--I have perservered and succeeded in a number of challenging things in my life (recovering from back surgery and returning to the basketball court when I was told I would never play again; graduating from one the most difficult nursing programs in the state; completing my BSN). So I know I have the emotional strength to do this, somewhere deep down inside!

-The woman in the mirror is truly not the woman I feel I am. I know there is a skinny Jessica inside and she's screaming to get out! This is never how I imagined myself to be and I refuse to continue living this life that truly is not me.

-If it weren't for my amazingly loving and supportive husband (who has loved me unconditionally for 11 years with absolutely no regard to my weight) and the love and support of the rest of my family and friends, this surgery would not be an option. Thanks to all of you.

-I don't want Ayden to ever experience the pain and struggle of being an obese person. I want to make this lifestyle change while he is young and be able to set healthy examples for him to give him the best possible chance at growing up and maintaining a normal and healthy weight.

-Last, but not least, I am scared. I could go on with this list with a 100 more reasons that I need and want to lose weight and why this surgery seems to be a very valid option for me, but that doesn't change the fact that's it's surgery. It has it's risks, it's going to be painful, and let's not forget- irreversible!!!

I have a lot to think and pray about. I want to be as fully prepared as I can be for this. I meet with the surgeon on Tuesday and I'll keep everyone updated.

Feeling the burn!

Tonight Chris and I started working out (for the first time in a long time!). We joined the Wal-Mart employee fitness center. It has an awesome daycare for Ayden which we love because it means we can workout together! We did 30 minutes of cardio on the bikes; I lost feeling completely in my legs by about minute 12 :) Then we lifted some weights, working out our upper body. Chris was a great motivator, although I think he overdid it on the weights trying to impress me, LOL. Anyway, it was actually fun to get out of the house and do something besides sit on the couch together while watching HGTV, which is our usual routine in the evening! Ayden loved playing with all the other kids too. Then we came home and polished off the evening with baked fish and steamed broccoli. I am so fortunate that Chris is doing the diet and exercise with me, it helps me so much! Our plan is to go 3 nights a week. I'll keep you updated on our progress!!

Surgery Date!

My surgery has been scheduled for January 27th. I am so excited and so nervous! But more than anything...I AM READY! I have posted a weight loss ticker above for the whole world to see my starting weight. (My starting weight is overlapping with my current weight so that's why it's hard to read...but the number is 313. YIKES. But I fully intend for that number to only go down from here, and I will be more than happy to share the new numbers!

Only 132 pounds to go...

I decided to start a new blog about my up and coming weight loss journey. I am doing this primarily for myself, as a way to journal my thoughts, feelings, successes, and challenges as I embark upon this new, exciting, and somewhat terrifying decision that I have made. I guess I can start by giving a little background...



I am 27 years old and according to my doctor, 132 pounds over my ideal body weight. I haven't always been this way. As crazy as it sounds, the weight really did just sneak up on me over the course of about 8 years. I am not going to make excuses and blame an underactive thyroid (which for some people is an actual metabolic disorder, but in my case my damn thyroid works just fine!) nor am I going to say that all I eat is Lean Cuisines and salad (because I do eat a lot of Lean Cuisines and salads...but that is usually followed 45 minutes later with a sinful dessert or even a whole other meal!) but I will say that I am offended by the all too common stereo-type that all fat people are lazy and sit around all day eating potato chips. Let me clear that one up real quick: I don't even remember the last time I had potato chips. Maybe at a 4th of July cookout? I don't know. And although I am not on the stair-master at 5 am every morning, I wouldn't exactly call myself lazy. I work a very physically demanding job as an RN 2 nights a week, and the other 5 days I spend chasing around my very active 16 month old son. In fact, in the past I haven't really let my excess weight limit me as much as one would think. I get out and about like everyone else, park in the back of parking lots and walk, occassionally opt for the stairs over the elevator (and live to tell about it!), and have even been known to get out in the driveway and shoot hoops. I was an extremely athletic teenager-volleyball, basketball, softball, running, weight-lifting-you name it, so I think that athleticism has somehow stayed with me, even if just a tiny bit. In fact, for the last several years I have been in denial about my size and weight, and as long as I avoided clothing stores, mirrors, being in photos, riding amusement park rides, and trying to buckle up on an airplane, I could pretend I wasn't carrying around all that extra and unhealthy baggage.



But guess what. It finally caught up with me. Right around my 27th birthday in fact, I got out of bed one morning and my bones popped and cracked as I walked to the bathroom. They continued to do this most of the day. My back ached. My hips and knees hurt. A few weeks later I made the fateful decision to have some professional photos taken of myself and my son for my husband as a Christmas gift. When I first saw the photos (it had been a long time since I had had picture taken where I wasn't hiding behind someone or something with just my head peeking out!) I didn't even recognize that woman in the picture. It was mortifying to say the least. But sometimes a good dose of reality is what it takes to make some change, and in this case, it's exactly what I needed. I knew I had to do something. Something big, something life-changing. Something drastic. And that's when I decided that someway, somehow, I was going to have weight-loss surgery.



My dieting history goes way back. I have done Atkins, Sugar Busters, The Fat Flush plan, Slim-fast, and Weight watchers to name a few. I have joined and quit several gyms, including the women-only inspired Curves. And guess what? I have succeeded on some level with just about everything I have tried! My best attempt at weight loss came in 2006 when I wanted to get healthy before getting pregnant. I counted calories, exercised 3 times a week, took diet pills for a short time, and lost 65 pounds. I subsequently got pregnant, had a baby, quit my job and stayed home for 6 months and gained all the weight back. Plus a little more. That's when I was just about ready to give up. I had lost and regained so much weight in my life that I was about to decide that being fat all the time was less depressing than having my weight go up and down like a yo-yo, a constant battle of success and failure, constantly feeling like there was something very wrong with me for not being able to keep the weight off. Then I started doing some research on weight loss surgery (something I actually had been considering for a couple of years) and found a surgeon nearby. I attended an informational seminar and left in tears. I knew it was the answer I had been looking for for so long!

On December 1oth I met with a Bariatric Medical Specialist and underwent a very thorough evaluation. This is where I was told my BMI was 46 (normal is less than 25) and that I needed to lose approximately 132 pounds. The surgery that the doctor has recommended for me is the Sleeve Gastrectomy. I had tons of lab work done, an EKG, chest x-ray, and barium swallow study. That puts us up to date. I am now waiting for the surgeon to call me for a pre-operative consultation and then will be setting up my surgery date! I don't think any amount of research and reading (and believe me, I have done A LOT!) is going to fully prepare me for what I am about to experience. But I am very blessed to have the best and most supportive husband in the world along with a very loving and supportive group of family and friends, so I know that no matter how challenging this journey may be, I will have someone there with me every step of the way. The doctor recommends keeping a journal during this process, so that is the purpose of this blog. It really is just for me, but on the off chance that I might help or inspire someone else out there, I am making it available to the public. One of the first things I had to come to terms with as I made this decision was that I could not longer lie to myself about my weight. It is real, very real, and is impacting my health and my future every single day of my life. I am young. I am healthy (aside from my joint and back problems) and I want to be able to live my life to the fullest and set the best possible example for my precious son. I want to become a person who eats to LIVE not LIVES to eat. So here begins my journey...

(I fully intend to post my pre-op weight and some "before" pictures, but don't quite have the nerve just yet. I'm taking this one step at a time...)